The Bell Jar 鐘形罩（英文版）

This book really appeals to me. Esther was a brilliant and talented girl. She loved reading and writing. She was presented to the reader as a silent and calm observer at first. Working as a reporter, she had seen the splendid view of the big city, broadened her eyes, and met different kinds of women. Her life stretched in front of her in various paths, just like a fig tree, with innumerable possibilities. Then what kind of person did she want to be? She wanted to be a writer. She signed up for the writing course and felt quite confident about the result, but it went against her expectation. She was turned down by the university and was lost. Growing up as the girl who was always the model, Esther was totally confused about her identity because of this refusal. Was she really that excellent? Or could she really become a writer in the future? Was it because her writing pieces weren't good enough to impress the professors of the university after years of studying and practicing? Gradually, Esther began to feel empty and meaningless. She wasn't strong enough to take the result and think about another way out to make a living. Writing, eating and even sleeping became serious problems for her. What was worse, nobody understood her, even the doctors and her own mother. They thought she was sick or crazy, and treated her with medicine and shock treatment. The whole society, the whole social network seemed to be turning against her. Nobody supported her. She felt like there was a bell jar in the air which kept shrinking and sparing no air. It was really suffocating. I kind of get that feeling. People around you are familiar with the excellent version of you. They think you are hard-working and are supposed to behave well all the time. As time goes by, you feel terrified by the idea of letting them down, because people all want to hear compliments instead of sighs. Yet the invisible pressure will always be hanging over your head, and it seems that if you make one wrong step, a stream of freezing cold water will pour out from nowhere and make you soaked from the skin to your heart. But there are some things that no matter how hard you try, they are still unreachable, and that is when you will feel like you're drowning. It is not until then that you feel like a person struggling in the sea, with no sight of the shore, surrounded by endless water, and feeling as if something is pulling your leg. Sometimes you may want to kill yourself and end all this pain, but you also feel upset about why you have to be the person who pays with her life and gives in to the suppression? When Esther went into the asylum, she began her process of finding herself and a sense of belonging. At that time, the asylum was the place where all the estranged women got together. They were exiled from society and mistreated by people. When they met each other, they didn't appreciate each other either, because they had learned how to judge people by society's standards. Then Esther met Dr. Nolan, who never judged her and just listened and cared for her. She allowed Esther to feel free to express her rebellion against her mother's good intentions and let her do almost everything she wanted. She even told Esther where to get a fitting (to avoid getting pregnant). It was a significant move for Esther, because getting birth control was like gaining control over your own body. You wouldn't ever worry about whether you would suddenly stop menstruating, have a baby and become a mother. She even found a guy in town and made it through a very bad first night. By becoming the "crazy" woman, Esther got to do lots of bold actions, but did she really successfully rebuild her identity? Or did she just learn how to pretend to be a normal person in society? The bell jar seemed to be hanging in the air; it might be safe for a moment, but how long would the peace last? As Esther thought: But I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure at all.How did I know that someday--at college, in Europe, somewhere,anywhere--the bell jar, with its stifling distortions, wouldn't descend again? Esther kept saying to herself that Joan was like another version of her who had almost the same experience. Joan always performed well and had the most privileges in the asylum as a patient. But she hung herself beside a pond near the hospital one night. Why did she do that? Did she really get better, or did she still have a hollow heart? Or maybe she was dying as a substitute for Esther. Suicide could be a possible ending to Esther's life. I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am. The story ends with the interview between Esther and the board of the hospital. Before she went in, her inner voice said: "I am, I am, I am." But it's a brag. Had Esther found out where her true self was? Or in fact, was there nothing left in her?

一下子就被作者的文字敘述帶進去了，有時候很沉重，有時候虛無縹緲。有時候看着會愣神。最深刻的情節是Esther擺脫處女身份後大流血，去找了Joan，Joan給她送到了醫院。和漫長的午後里亞裏沙一樣，亞里沙是美好善良積極的化身，也是在多惠準備臥軌時喊住了她。 Esther是被時代困住的女性，清醒又沉淪，逞強又脆弱，積極又窒息。 所以纔有了Joan。她對Joan的所有愛恨，都是對自己本人的喜惡。 Esther負責清醒，Joan負責沉淪，Esther負責向生，Joan負責向死。

並沒有經歷什麼普世意義上的人生悲劇，滲透進生活的壓迫足以讓人窒息，Sylvia把這樣的痛苦用鐘形罩詮釋，女性遭受的隱形壓迫就像罩內的空氣，每呼吸一次都被一點點腐蝕，結局挺意外，在以爲會進入高潮Esther內心產生鉅變的時候突然平靜下來，想到Sylvia本人的結局更唏噓了。 Sylvia寫作真是跳躍，特別這次看的英文原版，經常下一行文字就場景突然切換給我看得很懵，感謝chatgpt輔助我閱讀了…

英文版！！！終於！！！出了！！！

作者確實是一位語言大師，我也能感受出文字中的痛苦和壓抑，理性上完全理解她的處境，甚至可以和我的許多經歷相對應，但感性上無法共情。

喜歡唐湘的譯本。 活在鐘形罩裏的那個她就像被困在標本罐裏茫然、停止生長的死嬰，這世界本就是噩夢一場。

適應抑鬱，像適應一種殘疾。 英文裏的disability很有意思，除了指涉身體上的殘疾，在造詞上還有ability的反義—— 沒有能力、做不到。 比如，作爲一個不折不扣的悲觀主義者，我沒有能力時刻保持樂觀；比如，在交淺言淺的人際關係中，我做不到虛與委蛇全身而退。 那說一些我做得到的事吧。我做得到——像主角Esther Greenwood一樣在晚宴上大口吞嚥暴食魚子醬，哪怕事後食物中毒躺在旅館的地板上奄奄一息；我做得到——和她一樣厭惡一些東西，又不得不承認自己熱愛一些東西，因此在故事的最後，在底色悲觀的普拉斯筆下她仍開放式結局般地活着——我也還活着——而故事之外的作者Sylvia Plath卻沒有給自己一個曖昧而多義的結局，她在自己三十歲這年，寫完這本小說後不久選擇了自殺。 老去是一種特權。 因爲並不是所有人都能老去，或者至少他們沒有選擇老去。對於許多人來說，老去並非一種理所當然，而更像是一種艱難的抵達。 也許，一個人並非因爲不能爬樓梯而天然“殘疾”，而是因爲世界建造了樓梯而沒有修坡道；也許，一個人並非因爲抑鬱而天然失常，而是因爲這個世界由太多所謂正常人定義。 有人指責抑鬱症患者過於自戀，他們認爲正是自我過度的向內蜷縮和坍塌才導致了這場人爲災難。當一個人死了，如果是天災，人們往往會流露出一種下意識的神父式感喟——天吶，不幸的/可憐的X！願你安息！而一旦死因和“抑鬱”“自殺”這些刺目的字眼聯繫在一起，他們就變得嚴苛和近乎冷酷——這人自找的/我拒絕同情自己不想活的人。 於是，抑鬱症患者幾乎是各類羣體中最具二分性的人羣——分爲死了（而且是自殺）的抑鬱症患者和，尚且活着的抑鬱症患者。 You Are the Worst裏的Gretchen，“正常”的時候像極了典型的美國小妞，買醉、毒舌、戀愛、開party、找樂子，然而深夜她還是會忍不住開車出去在洛杉磯城的山頭掩面哭泣，甚至在Jimmy越靠越近後親手毀掉這段始於casual sex卻越來越像極了愛情的關係。老套地分析，Gretchen教育精英、工作體面、愛情美滿、友情合拍……一個人的社會關係無懈可擊，而這並不能阻止抑鬱的發生。劇集裏Gretchen對Jimmy說，你不要試圖改變我。它（depression）在我中學時就時常跑出來攻擊我，我沒辦法克服它，我只能被它打敗。而Jimmy也確實沒改變她，抑鬱發作時，Gretchen就像一隻受傷卻攻擊力十足的母貓，鋒利的爪子把周圍愛的人越推越遠，甚至將他們抓撓得鮮血淋漓。那麼Jimmy做了什麼呢？他爲Gretchen在家裏搭起了一頂帳篷，在帳篷裏靜靜地託着頭陪着身側縮起來的Gretchen。 很多肥皂劇習慣把拯救敘事納入愛情神話，卻諂媚地丟掉了現實銳度。我很欣賞編劇的一點是，他沒有費盡心思用愛情藥水把抑鬱症患者糟糕的境況軟化得像是足夠可口的棉花糖。他相信，Gretchen這樣的抑鬱症患者是無法被拯救的，任何人也不要試圖拯救。一個抑鬱症患者不會因爲擁有衆人渴求的親密關係而神奇自愈。 在生命的隆冬，在無人問津的深夜，抑鬱像一陣潮水一樣襲來，除了被淹沒，以及靜靜地等待退潮，等待變得正常，似乎別無他法。 適應抑鬱，像適應一種殘疾。

這本書對我來說最好的地方是敘事方式，回憶插入得很突兀但是很有創意，經常跳切和神遊，符合女主的精神狀態。一些對精神體驗的感受的描寫也很精彩，不是所有人都能想出那樣的形容。看完也對抑鬱症有了更深入的瞭解。鐘形罩的比喻太到位了，這個比喻與她的敘事方法也非常呼應——割裂感，一會對外面的世界極其冷漠，一會對罩內的世界產生劇烈反應。 雖然點了推薦，但實際上我個人認爲這本書只在推薦和一般之間。它的語言風格讓我聯想到《麥田裏的守望者》，可能只是因爲都比較好讀，但是麥田的結尾把整本書都推起來了，這本書卻沒有，只是一個很普通的oe。劇情和文筆都略顯一般，能讓人感到她擅長寫作，但似乎達不到天才，不會讓寫作者們在讀的過程中因自己永遠達不到其高度而感到悲哀——比如，作者擅長比喻，這是人們讚揚她文筆的原因之一，但是似乎其中沒有比喻是能讓人爲之毛骨悚然念念不忘並稱其爲天才的（天才比喻參見張愛玲的“絲襪”“蛀牙”“小藍牙齒”“紅指甲”）。純屬個人觀點，也僅針對本書，理性討論。

4⭐ 這是一部完整、細膩、不安的女性心理剖面圖，我們很容易在其中發現自己曾經也有過的細碎和不安。此外，作者的遣詞造句很美，很多段落僅僅是文字讀起來就是一種美學享受。那些感受和體驗我們可能都經歷過，但卻無法如作者一樣精巧地表達出來。 若是幾年前看，我會覺得此書就是我的知音。正如我年少之時喜歡看太宰治的作品一樣。在被壓抑了攻擊性的環境裏，有人替你表達這些惴惴不安也是一種心理的釋放。 但如今，從抽離的、旁觀者的角度去審視全文，會發現人的崩潰是一點點積攢的。開篇，Esther獲得實習機會，目睹華麗的紐約世界，精英階層，外貌出衆的人之後，對自我產生了一種惴惴不安。這種不安全感逐漸累積，最終在離開回到家鄉紐約後形成精神上的孤立與崩潰。 在我看來，前半段的Esther始終在迎合他人的期待——詩人、費羅米娜·吉尼亞、傑·茜，以及那位信奉基督教科學派的女老闆——唯獨沒有照顧自己的需求，沒有問自己真想想要什麼，從那則無花果樹的小故事和女主經常對不同的人改口夢想就能看出，不同人之間的期待對她形成沉重的壓力。她只有一個人，並不能做飯十全十美，無法滿足所有的期待。長期積累的壓力讓她產生逃避的衝動，加上面對逐漸顯露的社會現實的不堪，抑鬱就這樣悄悄潛入了她的心裏。 細細品味，就能發現全書瀰漫上一種心靈上的荒蕪感。在對話，在生活，唯獨沒有在思想交流，沒有在探討煩惱，只有女主的內心獨白和思索。她需要關愛和肯定，但她沒人能支持她的內心。她維持的“體面”隔絕了與他人真實交往，使孤獨與疏離感更爲深刻。 她的反抗，伴隨傷痛與住院，最終仍困於這層壓迫的鐘形罩。 還有很多細節值得思索，這裏就不一一贅述了。總體來說這本書還是很值得一讀。我認爲它體現了一種中間狀態。剛呼吸到自由的空氣，但還是身處舊制度下，內心該何去何從的彷徨感。這種彷徨感，本可以在友情的溫暖，家庭的瑣碎中得到消解。但女主人公女性的身份，一個至少有一點抱負的女性，她在文中的背景裏找不到可以支撐的地方。

看完心裏會感到十分壓抑，世俗的枷鎖是永恆的困境，人爲什麼活？這個話題太龐大了…只是希望朋友們，在放棄和堅持中，能勇敢地選擇後者，繼續前行…所謂，“如今識盡愁滋味，欲說還休，欲說還休，卻道天涼好個秋！”