The Bell Jar 钟形罩（英文版）

This book really appeals to me. Esther was a brilliant and talented girl. She loved reading and writing. She was presented to the reader as a silent and calm observer at first. Working as a reporter, she had seen the splendid view of the big city, broadened her eyes, and met different kinds of women. Her life stretched in front of her in various paths, just like a fig tree, with innumerable possibilities. Then what kind of person did she want to be? She wanted to be a writer. She signed up for the writing course and felt quite confident about the result, but it went against her expectation. She was turned down by the university and was lost. Growing up as the girl who was always the model, Esther was totally confused about her identity because of this refusal. Was she really that excellent? Or could she really become a writer in the future? Was it because her writing pieces weren't good enough to impress the professors of the university after years of studying and practicing? Gradually, Esther began to feel empty and meaningless. She wasn't strong enough to take the result and think about another way out to make a living. Writing, eating and even sleeping became serious problems for her. What was worse, nobody understood her, even the doctors and her own mother. They thought she was sick or crazy, and treated her with medicine and shock treatment. The whole society, the whole social network seemed to be turning against her. Nobody supported her. She felt like there was a bell jar in the air which kept shrinking and sparing no air. It was really suffocating. I kind of get that feeling. People around you are familiar with the excellent version of you. They think you are hard-working and are supposed to behave well all the time. As time goes by, you feel terrified by the idea of letting them down, because people all want to hear compliments instead of sighs. Yet the invisible pressure will always be hanging over your head, and it seems that if you make one wrong step, a stream of freezing cold water will pour out from nowhere and make you soaked from the skin to your heart. But there are some things that no matter how hard you try, they are still unreachable, and that is when you will feel like you're drowning. It is not until then that you feel like a person struggling in the sea, with no sight of the shore, surrounded by endless water, and feeling as if something is pulling your leg. Sometimes you may want to kill yourself and end all this pain, but you also feel upset about why you have to be the person who pays with her life and gives in to the suppression? When Esther went into the asylum, she began her process of finding herself and a sense of belonging. At that time, the asylum was the place where all the estranged women got together. They were exiled from society and mistreated by people. When they met each other, they didn't appreciate each other either, because they had learned how to judge people by society's standards. Then Esther met Dr. Nolan, who never judged her and just listened and cared for her. She allowed Esther to feel free to express her rebellion against her mother's good intentions and let her do almost everything she wanted. She even told Esther where to get a fitting (to avoid getting pregnant). It was a significant move for Esther, because getting birth control was like gaining control over your own body. You wouldn't ever worry about whether you would suddenly stop menstruating, have a baby and become a mother. She even found a guy in town and made it through a very bad first night. By becoming the "crazy" woman, Esther got to do lots of bold actions, but did she really successfully rebuild her identity? Or did she just learn how to pretend to be a normal person in society? The bell jar seemed to be hanging in the air; it might be safe for a moment, but how long would the peace last? As Esther thought: But I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure at all.How did I know that someday--at college, in Europe, somewhere,anywhere--the bell jar, with its stifling distortions, wouldn't descend again? Esther kept saying to herself that Joan was like another version of her who had almost the same experience. Joan always performed well and had the most privileges in the asylum as a patient. But she hung herself beside a pond near the hospital one night. Why did she do that? Did she really get better, or did she still have a hollow heart? Or maybe she was dying as a substitute for Esther. Suicide could be a possible ending to Esther's life. I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am. The story ends with the interview between Esther and the board of the hospital. Before she went in, her inner voice said: "I am, I am, I am." But it's a brag. Had Esther found out where her true self was? Or in fact, was there nothing left in her?

一下子就被作者的文字叙述带进去了，有时候很沉重，有时候虚无缥缈。有时候看着会愣神。最深刻的情节是Esther摆脱处女身份后大流血，去找了Joan，Joan给她送到了医院。和漫长的午后里亚里沙一样，亚里沙是美好善良积极的化身，也是在多惠准备卧轨时喊住了她。 Esther是被时代困住的女性，清醒又沉沦，逞强又脆弱，积极又窒息。 所以才有了Joan。她对Joan的所有爱恨，都是对自己本人的喜恶。 Esther负责清醒，Joan负责沉沦，Esther负责向生，Joan负责向死。

并没有经历什么普世意义上的人生悲剧，渗透进生活的压迫足以让人窒息，Sylvia把这样的痛苦用钟形罩诠释，女性遭受的隐形压迫就像罩内的空气，每呼吸一次都被一点点腐蚀，结局挺意外，在以为会进入高潮Esther内心产生巨变的时候突然平静下来，想到Sylvia本人的结局更唏嘘了。 Sylvia写作真是跳跃，特别这次看的英文原版，经常下一行文字就场景突然切换给我看得很懵，感谢chatgpt辅助我阅读了…

英文版！！！终于！！！出了！！！

作者确实是一位语言大师，我也能感受出文字中的痛苦和压抑，理性上完全理解她的处境，甚至可以和我的许多经历相对应，但感性上无法共情。

喜欢唐湘的译本。 活在钟形罩里的那个她就像被困在标本罐里茫然、停止生长的死婴，这世界本就是噩梦一场。

适应抑郁，像适应一种残疾。 英文里的disability很有意思，除了指涉身体上的残疾，在造词上还有ability的反义—— 没有能力、做不到。 比如，作为一个不折不扣的悲观主义者，我没有能力时刻保持乐观；比如，在交浅言浅的人际关系中，我做不到虚与委蛇全身而退。 那说一些我做得到的事吧。我做得到——像主角Esther Greenwood一样在晚宴上大口吞咽暴食鱼子酱，哪怕事后食物中毒躺在旅馆的地板上奄奄一息；我做得到——和她一样厌恶一些东西，又不得不承认自己热爱一些东西，因此在故事的最后，在底色悲观的普拉斯笔下她仍开放式结局般地活着——我也还活着——而故事之外的作者Sylvia Plath却没有给自己一个暧昧而多义的结局，她在自己三十岁这年，写完这本小说后不久选择了自杀。 老去是一种特权。 因为并不是所有人都能老去，或者至少他们没有选择老去。对于许多人来说，老去并非一种理所当然，而更像是一种艰难的抵达。 也许，一个人并非因为不能爬楼梯而天然“残疾”，而是因为世界建造了楼梯而没有修坡道；也许，一个人并非因为抑郁而天然失常，而是因为这个世界由太多所谓正常人定义。 有人指责抑郁症患者过于自恋，他们认为正是自我过度的向内蜷缩和坍塌才导致了这场人为灾难。当一个人死了，如果是天灾，人们往往会流露出一种下意识的神父式感喟——天呐，不幸的/可怜的X！愿你安息！而一旦死因和“抑郁”“自杀”这些刺目的字眼联系在一起，他们就变得严苛和近乎冷酷——这人自找的/我拒绝同情自己不想活的人。 于是，抑郁症患者几乎是各类群体中最具二分性的人群——分为死了（而且是自杀）的抑郁症患者和，尚且活着的抑郁症患者。 You Are the Worst里的Gretchen，“正常”的时候像极了典型的美国小妞，买醉、毒舌、恋爱、开party、找乐子，然而深夜她还是会忍不住开车出去在洛杉矶城的山头掩面哭泣，甚至在Jimmy越靠越近后亲手毁掉这段始于casual sex却越来越像极了爱情的关系。老套地分析，Gretchen教育精英、工作体面、爱情美满、友情合拍……一个人的社会关系无懈可击，而这并不能阻止抑郁的发生。剧集里Gretchen对Jimmy说，你不要试图改变我。它（depression）在我中学时就时常跑出来攻击我，我没办法克服它，我只能被它打败。而Jimmy也确实没改变她，抑郁发作时，Gretchen就像一只受伤却攻击力十足的母猫，锋利的爪子把周围爱的人越推越远，甚至将他们抓挠得鲜血淋漓。那么Jimmy做了什么呢？他为Gretchen在家里搭起了一顶帐篷，在帐篷里静静地托着头陪着身侧缩起来的Gretchen。 很多肥皂剧习惯把拯救叙事纳入爱情神话，却谄媚地丢掉了现实锐度。我很欣赏编剧的一点是，他没有费尽心思用爱情药水把抑郁症患者糟糕的境况软化得像是足够可口的棉花糖。他相信，Gretchen这样的抑郁症患者是无法被拯救的，任何人也不要试图拯救。一个抑郁症患者不会因为拥有众人渴求的亲密关系而神奇自愈。 在生命的隆冬，在无人问津的深夜，抑郁像一阵潮水一样袭来，除了被淹没，以及静静地等待退潮，等待变得正常，似乎别无他法。 适应抑郁，像适应一种残疾。

这本书对我来说最好的地方是叙事方式，回忆插入得很突兀但是很有创意，经常跳切和神游，符合女主的精神状态。一些对精神体验的感受的描写也很精彩，不是所有人都能想出那样的形容。看完也对抑郁症有了更深入的了解。钟形罩的比喻太到位了，这个比喻与她的叙事方法也非常呼应——割裂感，一会对外面的世界极其冷漠，一会对罩内的世界产生剧烈反应。 虽然点了推荐，但实际上我个人认为这本书只在推荐和一般之间。它的语言风格让我联想到《麦田里的守望者》，可能只是因为都比较好读，但是麦田的结尾把整本书都推起来了，这本书却没有，只是一个很普通的oe。剧情和文笔都略显一般，能让人感到她擅长写作，但似乎达不到天才，不会让写作者们在读的过程中因自己永远达不到其高度而感到悲哀——比如，作者擅长比喻，这是人们赞扬她文笔的原因之一，但是似乎其中没有比喻是能让人为之毛骨悚然念念不忘并称其为天才的（天才比喻参见张爱玲的“丝袜”“蛀牙”“小蓝牙齿”“红指甲”）。纯属个人观点，也仅针对本书，理性讨论。

4⭐ 这是一部完整、细腻、不安的女性心理剖面图，我们很容易在其中发现自己曾经也有过的细碎和不安。此外，作者的遣词造句很美，很多段落仅仅是文字读起来就是一种美学享受。那些感受和体验我们可能都经历过，但却无法如作者一样精巧地表达出来。 若是几年前看，我会觉得此书就是我的知音。正如我年少之时喜欢看太宰治的作品一样。在被压抑了攻击性的环境里，有人替你表达这些惴惴不安也是一种心理的释放。 但如今，从抽离的、旁观者的角度去审视全文，会发现人的崩溃是一点点积攒的。开篇，Esther获得实习机会，目睹华丽的纽约世界，精英阶层，外貌出众的人之后，对自我产生了一种惴惴不安。这种不安全感逐渐累积，最终在离开回到家乡纽约后形成精神上的孤立与崩溃。 在我看来，前半段的Esther始终在迎合他人的期待——诗人、费罗米娜·吉尼亚、杰·茜，以及那位信奉基督教科学派的女老板——唯独没有照顾自己的需求，没有问自己真想想要什么，从那则无花果树的小故事和女主经常对不同的人改口梦想就能看出，不同人之间的期待对她形成沉重的压力。她只有一个人，并不能做饭十全十美，无法满足所有的期待。长期积累的压力让她产生逃避的冲动，加上面对逐渐显露的社会现实的不堪，抑郁就这样悄悄潜入了她的心里。 细细品味，就能发现全书弥漫上一种心灵上的荒芜感。在对话，在生活，唯独没有在思想交流，没有在探讨烦恼，只有女主的内心独白和思索。她需要关爱和肯定，但她没人能支持她的内心。她维持的“体面”隔绝了与他人真实交往，使孤独与疏离感更为深刻。 她的反抗，伴随伤痛与住院，最终仍困于这层压迫的钟形罩。 还有很多细节值得思索，这里就不一一赘述了。总体来说这本书还是很值得一读。我认为它体现了一种中间状态。刚呼吸到自由的空气，但还是身处旧制度下，内心该何去何从的彷徨感。这种彷徨感，本可以在友情的温暖，家庭的琐碎中得到消解。但女主人公女性的身份，一个至少有一点抱负的女性，她在文中的背景里找不到可以支撑的地方。

看完心里会感到十分压抑，世俗的枷锁是永恒的困境，人为什么活？这个话题太庞大了…只是希望朋友们，在放弃和坚持中，能勇敢地选择后者，继续前行…所谓，“如今识尽愁滋味，欲说还休，欲说还休，却道天凉好个秋！”